


Salted and Burned

by ReadyJoan



Series: Anything You Wish [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Drugs, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Bondage, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 15:30:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2855912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReadyJoan/pseuds/ReadyJoan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night after a mission, Dean gives up and Cas is the only thing he has left to cling onto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Salted and Burned

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still trying to work out the kinks. I decided to put it in a series instead of one work. The POV goes wonky and I didn't want to give up some of it that I had in the first chapter. So, it will be more of a loose series that isn't totally the same POV every time.

It was the middle of the night when Dean walked into Cas’ cabin. He sat down in a wobbly old kitchen chair and said nothing. Cas was in the middle of going over supply lists but he stopped to glance at Dean. He went back to it when Dean continued to sit in silence.

“How was the mission?”

Dean still sat and said nothing. Cas let him stew for a while longer, looking over the dangerously low toilet paper numbers and thinking of sources where they could get more. Finally, when Dean still hadn’t answered, he closed the book. He got up and stood in front of him.

“The mission?”

He looked up into Dean’s face and stopped. There were tears flowing down his face. Silent tears. His face looked blank.

“Dean?”

“The mission went fine, man.” His voice was quiet but still betrayed nothing of emotion. 

Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and squatted down in front of him. “Then what’s wrong?” He looked up into Dean’s eyes only after he asked the question. There was no reaction on his face, but after a moment he looked back into Cas’ eyes. They stared at each other for a while and Dean’s tears continued to fall down his blank face. Finally, Dean wiped at his face and looked down at the ground.

“What’s wrong?” He gave a sick smile. “What isn’t wrong?”

Cas took his hand away and rubbed his neck, sighing. “Did something happen?”

“No, man, it was just a regular day.” Dean took his jacket off and threw it off to the side. “That’s the fucking problem.”

“I am intimately aware of that particular problem,” Cas said. Dean’s eyes flicked to his face. It reminded him of how he would speak when he was an angel. He still spoke that way sometimes and it took Dean back to better days. Though come to think of it, those days weren’t all that great either. At least Sam was still Sam then and Bobby was alive. Cas was smiling that big smile, the one he acquired ever since his mojo pretty much ran out. Dean knew it was hollow and it spoke of his despair more than anything else, but he couldn’t help returning it just for a moment.

“Yeah, I know you are,” Dean said, gruffly, the smile vanishing instantly. 

Cas got up and got them both a drink. “So, it’s just one of those days, is that what you’re telling me?”

“Maybe.” 

“That’s convincing.” Cas handed him a tumbler full of whiskey and downed his own in one swallow. “It seems like something more than that.”

Dean watched him and followed suit. He held his glass out for more and Cas poured and sat down on the floor in front of Dean. “I’m the fearless leader. I gotta be that all the time. Sometimes, I just crack.” He gave one of his smirks. The one Cas knew meant ‘I’m full of crap’.

Cas tilted his head and looked up at him guilelessy. It was a perfect angel expression and seeing that little bit of the old Cas was more than Dean could take at that particular moment. He let out a sob and covered it up with his hand. His other hand started shaking so Cas took the glass he was holding and placed it on the floor. He let Dean cry, great shaking sobs for a minute while he edged just a little closer toward being buzzed. He squeezed Dean’s knee and then just let his hand lay on it. 

Dean had quieted a little but he was still shaking every now and then. He took his hand away from his face and his eyes landed on the hand on his knee. Cas gave it another little squeeze and let it go. 

“I let Sam down. I let Bobby down. I let you down.” Dean recited his list. The one that was always playing in his head. His voice was hoarse from sobbing. “Why are you still here? How can you even stand to look at me?” His voice cracked but he didn’t break down again. He reluctantly stole a glance down at Cas.

Cas was playing with his tumbler, looking calm and relaxed like they were talking about something completely different. “You didn’t let anyone down. Sam made his own choice.” He didn’t think there was any reason to bring up Bobby or himself since he knew it was Sam that Dean was really crying over right now. 

Dean scoffed a harsh laugh. “Right. He should have stuck with me instead. It’s done wonders for you.”

“If Sam had chosen you we wouldn’t be here right now.” Cas looked almost happy and content, his face smooth and playful. It was getting on Dean’s nerves. And the implication of those words gnawed at him more every second.

He waited until Cas looked him right in the eyes. “Why did you choose me Cas?” It was his ‘I want to be pissed right now’ face. Cas didn’t even need to think about it, he knew it instinctively.

He didn’t take his eyes from Dean’s expectant ones. “You know why.”

When Dean grabbed his shirt front and knocked the glass out of his hand Cas barely reacted. He’d been expecting something violent. He looked down at the spilled whiskey with disappointment but Dean hauled him up on his knees and took his face in his hands. He squeezed until Cas looked at him. 

“Why?” He kept squeezing but Cas didn’t put up a fight.

“Have another drink, Dean,” Cas said, and he couldn’t keep the amusement out of his eyes, even though he knew it was dangerous.

The light in Dean’s eyes flickered out instantly and he grabbed a handful of Cas’ messy hair so hard Cas cried out. Dean sighed. That cry of pain felt like a release but it still wasn’t good enough.

“Why?” He wrenched Cas’ hair again until he got another groan and pulled him closer by his shirt front, bunching it in his hand until it hurt. “Say it.”

“No you motherfucker,” Cas gritted out between his teeth. Dean punched him in the jaw before he even knew what he was doing. 

“Goddammit!” Dean yelled, partly in shame for what he had done, partly in pure rage at the world. He’d never actually hit Cas before. He’d shoved, manhandled, grabbed, held him too hard, but he’d never hit him. He didn’t like it and he already had a nasty feeling in his chest but he wasn’t backing down. “Say it!” He screamed down at Cas. He pushed Cas onto his back with his foot and caught sight of blood on Cas’ lips. 

“Fuck you,” Cas said, flatly, looking up at the ceiling. 

Dean hauled him up and Cas spit blood in his face. Dean slammed him against the wall. Cas was stunned for a minute so Dean wiped his face off and then pinned him to the wall with his forearm on his chest and neck. 

“You don’t say it right now I’ll kill you,” Dean grated, putting more pressure on him with every word. “You think anyone will care? Fearless leader killing number two for pissing him off? I killed Manning last month because he was a croat. I could say the same thing about you and no one would question it. They need me so fucking bad I could do anything. They couldn’t manage a week without me, fuck that, a goddamn day!” With those last screamed words the pressure on his neck was so bad Cas’ eyes rolled back in his head. Dean savored the sight for a moment but he let up and Cas choked back to breathing.

Dean let him get his breath back before he asked again, even and calm. “Say it.”

Cas rolled his head against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut in pain but then he finally smiled. “What were we talking about again?” He laughed and started coughing.

All the fight went out of Dean and he sagged, clutching at Cas’ shirt weakly. Cas pushed him away and his elbow crashed into Dean’s cheek. Dean fell hard and he barely moved when Cas kicked him in the stomach. He crouched down, breathing hard, and rubbed Dean’s back as he gasped and shuddered. Finally he caught his breath and Cas sat back with the bottle of whiskey in his hand. He drank in silence until his buzz started coming back a little. Dean just laid there watching him.

“You feel better?” Cas raised his eyebrows wryly. 

Dean felt the hot center of his anger rise in his stomach but he was too kicked to shit to get up. “I’d feel better if you hated me,” he said.

Cas huffed a pained laugh. “Yeah, maybe I would too.”

Dean groaned as he sat up and sat close to Cas. He grabbed the bottle out of his hand and gulped until his throat was burning. “I gave up today. That’s what happened.” He took another drink and then gave the bottle back to Cas. “It’s been a year. Michael won’t come no matter how much I call. God’s not listening. Sam is gone and I can’t stop Lucifer. The world is over and I am done.” 

“You just came to this conclusion today?”

Dean gave Cas a withering look. “When did you come to that conclusion? When you lost your mojo? Was that all it took to make you give up? Huh?” He snatched the bottle back.

Cas leaned back on his elbow and hung his head back, letting the dizziness and pain of a beating and alcohol tingle through his skull. “My motivations are not the same as yours. Becoming human weighs on me, yes, but not for the reasons you probably think.”

“God you piss me off. Why can’t you talk like a damn human and say what you mean.”

“Are you saying humans always say what they mean?” He lifted his head with some difficulty and looked at Dean skeptically. “That has not been my experience.”

“Talk like an angel then and act like you don’t give a damn about me or what I think!” Dean yelled. 

“What is that, three or four different ways you’ve tried convincing me to say what you already know in the last hour? You must really need to hear it.” Cas pursed his lips in a barely restrained smile.

Dean snatched at Cas’ arm and held it tight. “Dammit, Cas. You’re all I got left. If you don’t snap out of whatever this is you got going on now, I’m going to go out back and shoot myself in the fuckin’ head.”

All the humor drained out of Cas’ face. “You won’t.”

Dean pulled Cas closer to him by his arm until they could feel each other’s breath. “I said I’d given up didn’t I? You think I’d say something like that if I didn’t mean it? You know me better than that.” Cas tried to jerk away but Dean held him tighter and brought his mouth right against his ear. “Say it.” He could feel Cas shiver but he didn’t move. “I need you.” He stopped as if it was all he wanted to say but then he went on. “I need you to say it today.” He finally drew back so he could look Cas in the face but he still didn’t release him and held him close.

Cas looked like he was in greater pain now then he had when he was choking him out. He drew in a ragged breath and relaxed a little. “I gave up everything for you, what else do you want me to say?”

He looked at Dean to see if he would give him any reprieve, leave him any last shred of dignity or comfort but his expression was stone. He sighed and tried to move away again but Dean pulled him closer. 

“The reason,” Dean barked in his best commanding tone. 

Cas got a strange look in his eye and pressed his lips together. Dean licked his lips, waiting. 

“Alright, just remember you asked for it,” Cas said, mocking tone in full force. 

He grabbed the back of Dean’s neck and kissed him, tonguing his lips open and pushing in further. Dean backed off a little but gripped his arm harder before breaking off and hanging his head.

“Dammit,” he gasped. 

Cas stroked his fingers through the short hairs on Dean’s neck before letting his hand fall but Dean didn’t give up his grip on his arm. 

“Was that a satisfactory answer?”

Dean glared up at him. “Fucking with me is not a goddamn answer, Cas!”

“I wasn’t fucking with you,” Cas replied, carefully pausing and enunciating. His eyes narrowed at Dean. 

Dean studied his face for a moment longer. He remembered how intimidating Cas was when they first met. He used to be so scared of him it was hard to talk or breathe or move when he was around. He wondered when or if he had ever really stopped being afraid of him. Even now. It was a different kind of fear but it was still there. He could admit it to himself right now because he was swimming in a buzz of alcohol, irrational anger, and despair.

“That’s all you ever do anymore. Nothing is serious. It’s all a damn joke to you.” He tightened his grip even more on his arm and jerked him closer and Cas’ expression darkened in an instant.

Dean found himself on the floor, his arm pushed up against his back and powerless to move. Cas had finally snapped. 

“Dammit, Cas!” 

“Shut up, Dean,” Cas said evenly. Something in his calm, commanding tone snapped through Dean’s mind and he stilled completely. He didn’t speak anymore but he groaned at the crushing angle Cas had his arm pulled up into. “You can’t seem to keep your hands to yourself, so I’m fixing that.” He reached down and started undoing Dean’s belt with one hand. Dean started to move again but Cas pulled his arm up and Dean cried out at the pain and immediately stopped moving. Cas snaked his belt out roughly and then grabbed his other arm. Dean’s forehead cracked on the floor and he was a little stunned while Cas tied his wrists behind his back securely with his own belt. 

“Cas, what the hell?”

Cas hauled him up to his knees. Dean struggled at the belt half-heartedly and willed his breathing and heart to slow. Finally, he looked up at Cas and they stared at each other without speaking for a few moments. He tried to get a read on what Cas was thinking but he was stone faced. 

Cas swiped gently at Dean’s forehead. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Just let me loose.”

“I will when you calm down a little.”

“Talk to me then,” Dean said, his voice husky with need. “I need you but you’re either stoned or stuck on some chick or just laughing in my face. It’s like you’re not even here anymore, man.”

Cas smiled a little and cradled Dean’s jaw. “I get my job done, don’t I?”

“Yes,” Dean said tightly. “But I don’t mean that and you know it.”

“I don’t feel the same way about you anymore. Not exactly.” There was a flash of intense pain across Cas’ face but it vanished. Dean pulled his face away. 

“Ok, what does that mean? Exactly.”

Cas pulled a chair up and sat in front of him. He seemed instantly more relaxed and open now that he was in control. It was a bizarre shift but Dean settled at his knees waiting. 

“When I was an angel I cared about you. It was pure. I wanted to protect you, help you, anyway I could. Of course, I wanted to be near you.” Cas smiled again tenderly and brushed his fingers through Dean’s hair. “I wanted that, but it wasn’t selfish. Not really.”

His hand dropped away and his face fell. “When I lost my grace it started to change. I felt it day by day when we were together all the time. It was never enough. I wanted more of you. I still cared for you but it was greedy and selfish. I was full of lust and jealousy over you. It wasn’t a pure love anymore and I didn’t want to burden you with that. I wanted you to remember a better love from me that I can’t give you now.”

Dean searched his eyes but they were still only full of a kind of tenderness. He dropped his head a little and tried to find the right words. “Cas, I know how you feel. It’s just normal human stuff. You don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

Cas pulled his face up by the chin and stroked his fingers along his neck. Dean stifled a groan but could not repress his shiver. “It isn’t normal,” Cas whispered. His fingertips ghosted along Dean’s collar bone. “Wanting to break you apart until I know every part of you and that I own every one? Putting you back together again like I once did with your body and soul? How could that be normal?”

His thumb brushed along Dean’s bottom lip and pushed down. Cas was holding his eyes and Dean found it impossible to look away. He could see some heat in him and it was intoxicating after so much indifference for so long. God, he needed it. He was a dead man walking and he needed to be salted and burned.

“I don’t care. I need you,” Dean said. He swallowed but his throat was dry and it clicked. “I want you.” His face collapsed and he couldn’t hold himself up anymore. He fell into Cas’ lap and rested his cheek on his thigh. “I want what you want. Anything. I don’t care.” He knew he was babbling but he couldn’t think anymore. He could only feel. The heat from Cas, the attention, the desire. He let his arms relax into his bonds and it felt like a release.

“Dean, you don’t know what you’re saying,” Cas responded. There was nothing in his voice but dismissal and his hands purposely left his body. The pit of his stomach iced over at the rejection and he couldn’t breathe. 

“Please,” he choked out. To see a shard of Cas’ true feeling was blinding. To have it taken away was like getting his eyes burned out. He ground his face into Cas’ thigh and inched higher. 

“Stop,” Cas rasped. 

He stilled and Cas rested his hands on Dean’s shoulders. 

“You’re shaking badly.” He pushed him back gently and got to his feet. Dean squeezed his eyes shut and tried to calm himself down. Cas came back with his pipe and sat back down. “Come on, it’ll chill you out.” He scooted a little closer to Dean and lit up. Pulling Dean toward him by the neck he shot gunned the smoke into his mouth. Dean went for alcohol more than anything but he didn’t mind weed every now and then. Especially when Cas was kissing it into his lungs. He held the smoke and let it out slowly.

“Another.” Cas obliged and Dean could feel his fingers caressing the back of his neck. It almost made him lose the smoke but he held it. Cas leaned his forehead against his for a moment, still petting him a little. After the second hit he thought he could look at Cas without freaking out again. Cas’ eyes were already a little glassy but he was staring at him at least and not into the middle distance.

“I’ll give you one more and then I think you’ll be ok out of that belt, ok?”

“Kiss me once first,” Dean said. Cas smiled like he was going to laugh but he held it together. “Please.” 

Cas laughed silently at the ‘please’ and probably at the way he said it so desperately like he was fucking begging. And who was he kidding, he was begging and had been ever since he came in Cas’ cabin. 

“I am kissing you,” Cas laughed. He took another hit and pulled Dean in again. He blew the smoke in, his lips tight against Dean’s. He smiled a little as he held the smoke, wishing his hands were already free so he could touch Cas in some way. 

“Alright,” Cas said, after Dean blew the smoke out. “I don’t know how good my kissing skills are when I’m half way drunk and high.” He pulled Dean in again before he could say anything and kissed him with purpose. It felt numb and clumsy with all the smoke and alcohol in his system but Cas pushed his tongue in and licked the back of his teeth and it was a little better. It was only for a few seconds before he pulled back. Dean let out a little whine at the loss but Cas didn’t seem to care. He sat back in the chair and seemed to deflate a little into himself, into some kind of reflective sad mood. He didn’t say anything, but just kept staring at Dean as if he were the saddest thing he’d ever seen. 

“Are you gonna let me go now?” Cas didn’t react. “I can’t balance on my knees very well anymore, Cas.” When he still didn’t say anything or even move, Dean laid his head in Cas’ lap again. “What are you thinking about?”

Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. “I’m thinking about you.”

“What about me?”

“That you’re probably going to die soon. That I wish I could just keep you tied up in this cabin and never let you go. And that I’m fucked up.” He tightened his hold in his hair and then he pushed him up. 

“We’re at the end, man. We’re all going to die soon. Just because you wish you could keep me safe and alive doesn’t mean you’re fucked up.” 

Cas didn’t say anything. He just stared silently again for a few moments. His eyes didn’t seem as focused though. He sighed and walked behind Dean. He made a few attempts at getting the belt loose and finally got it undone. 

“Not what I was really focusing on when I said I was fucked up,” Cas said, hauling him up clumsily. 

Dean immediately gathered Cas up in a tight hug, his arms around his neck. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. They swayed a little together and Dean unashamedly smelled Cas’ neck and his hair, trying to get the scent in his lungs more than he did the weed. 

“You can tie me up again if you want, but you can’t keep me safe all the time,” Dean murmured.

“Not anymore.” Cas pulled away and headed toward the bed. 

“I need to lie down too.”

There was an awkward silence while Cas waited for Dean to leave. Finally, Cas just turned away and walked to the bed. Dean followed him. 

Cas turned around, questioning him with a look.

“I’m not gonna make it back to my place,” Dean said. He shrugged and pushed Cas toward the bed.

Cas went to the far side of the bed and faced the wall. Dean got in and pressed himself into Cas’ back. He felt Cas tense up but he wrapped his arm around his stomach and hugged.

“Dean, nothing is going to happen,” Cas said, as he relaxed.

“I thought it was easier to kiss me than tell me how you feel,” Dean whispered into his hair.

He felt Cas tense again but he kissed and licked his neck and when he started to suck he gasped. “Dean-,” he started. Dean moved his hand up into Cas’ shirt but Cas stopped him with his own hand.

“Dammit, Cas. You know how I feel, you were in my head, my dreams.”

“When I was an angel, yes.”

Dean lifted himself up and turned Cas toward him. “Is that what this has all been about? You think I give a fuck that you’re not an angel anymore? You think that changes anything?”

Cas looked up at him and his dark, blue eyes gave nothing away. At least they weren’t mocking him. “It changed everything.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m all but useless to you now.” Cas still held that flat, stare up as he gazed up at Dean. That look had scared him when he was an angel, but it scared him even more now.

Dean gave a sick laugh. They were essentially saying the same thing to one another. “Are you determined to copy all my mistakes and take up all my bad habits?”

Cas’ lip ticked up in a small smile. Dean took his face in his hands, gripping around his mouth tight. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“And do you believe me when I say the same to you?” Cas raised his eyebrows, but his eyes were still flat and there was no question in them. 

“I thought you were smarter than me, Cas,” Dean said, smiling even as the tears were forming again.

Cas returned him a genuine, if sad, smile. 

He wanted to bury his face down in Cas’ neck but he kept himself above him, looking down. “I’m sorry, Cas.” That was all he could manage to say while he was still looking him in the eyes. He let himself lower down into Cas’ arms. “I’m sorry you have to put up with me.”

Cas wound his arms around Dean’s waist. “Stop. I thought you didn’t want to teach me these bad habits anymore.” He ran his hands up and down Dean’s back. He could feel Dean smile against his cheek. Dean dug his hands underneath him and hugged him. 

“I don’t. Maybe you should teach me some good ones.”

“Yes, you always listen to me.” 

Cas pushed Dean over. Dean smiled up at him but his eyes were hazy from crying and drinking.

His smile faltered and he looked uncertain until he saw Cas’ eyes turn serious. The fear rushed through his stomach, turning into panic. Then Cas pressed his mouth on his and it was all he could do to feel anything but arousal. It overcame him so fast it was almost like feeling sick and he had to push Cas away so he could breathe. 

Once he did his breath caught in his lungs and he couldn’t tear his eyes away. And now he knew. It was the look on his face, in his eyes. It was pinning him down as surely as his hands were. 

Cas slowly lowered until he was giving him a soft, chaste kiss. Dean could barely move.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas whispered, his lips brushing against his as he spoke. Dean shivered and then groaned. Cas didn’t acknowledge his clear frustration. He just turned over and settled in. 

Dean kept laying on his back for a while, willing himself to calm down. Finally, he fell asleep, adrift in visions of intense, dark blue eyes.


End file.
